Walk With Me by Cardeno C

Author:Cardeno C. [C., Cardeno]
Language: eng
Format: epub

Chapter 10

Eli Block

I STUCK with my plan and asked Gary out when I got back to school. And I was right about him being a nice guy. Fun, too, so I kept dating him, kept waiting for the flame to turn on in my chest when I was with him the way it did when I was with Seth.

Speaking of Seth, we stayed friends, but I could sense a distance growing between us. I figured it was my fault. I was trying so hard to get over my crush on him that I probably pushed him away without meaning to. The weakening of our friendship wore on me until I snapped and decided it didn’t have to be all or nothing. I’d go out with other guys, find a boyfriend, and with any luck, have some assisted orgasms, but I wouldn’t step back from the friendship I’d built with Seth.

I told him as much when I was in Emile City for Yom Kippur my senior year and, to my relief, he promised that nothing I did and nobody I dated would ever change how he felt about me. True to his word, he spent almost every minute I was home with me, and I felt the chasm that had formed between us close. With that concern resolved, I went back to school and followed through on things with Gary. It wasn’t serious enough for me to bring him home, but we dated until spring break and ended things amicably. After Gary came my master’s program and Roger, a medical student who lived in the apartment next to mine. Then there was Justin, a guy who worked in a store where I bought my cell phone.

One night when I was driving home from a date with Roger—or maybe it was Justin—it hit me that I was looking forward to calling Seth to say good night way more than I’d looked forward to the date I’d just been on. The realization that what I felt for him was no longer something that could be categorized as a childhood crush, that I was actually in love with him, came easily. It wasn’t like getting hit by a wave, more like floating in a warm bath and feeling comfortable because the water had been rising slowly.

At first blush, that might make it seem like Operation Get Over Childhood Crush had been a total failure, but that wasn’t true. Three years of putting myself out in the dating pool had taught me that I could be attracted to other men, that I could enjoy their company and respect them, and even be in a relationship with them. It also taught me that all those things added together didn’t equate to being in love. But the way I saw it, that was okay, because at least I knew I was capable of that emotion, which was more than I could say for lots of people I knew.

Once I’d come to terms with my feelings for Seth, I no longer found them debilitating.

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